Saturday, June 9, 2012

Dear Kiddo Spiels


Dear Kiddo Spiels,

You are the words that reverberate in the air around me.  On a daily basis, I invariably get bombarded with your mantras, questions, and demands.

I tell the kiddos that I have eyes on the back of my head.  They are often puzzled by that statement because, one, they don't see any eyes on the back of my head, and two, they really don't understand why I can finished their sentences with precision and know their every thought and move.  Let's face it: I'm a mom.  Moms know their kids like the back of their hands.  Every hair, line, and vein on the back of my hand know my kids' spiels.  And they go something like this... (the following are the Top Ten most often said quotes of my precious two.)

10.  "I'm bored."  Variation: "I have nothing to do."  To which my reaction is a blatant eye roll, albeit inside my head.  Puh-lease!  I have so many things on my to-do list that those two words are no longer a part of my vocabulary.  I seriously want to tell the kiddos that their very existence is what stole those foreign words from me.  Wanna trade places with me?  #youcandomychores

9.  "I'm thirsty."  And it's okay to be thirsty, but this one always comes at the most inopportune times.  Like when we are in a public restroom.  Um, really?  Or during the one outing that I did not pack a water bottle or juice box.  Mommy Fail.  #thinkwetthoughts

8.  If they're not thirsty, then what are they?  "I'm hungry."  Variation: "I'm starving," "I'm famished," and "I want a snack."  Again, it's okay to be hungry, but it's not okay when I hear this as I am running around in the kitchen like a chicken with her head cut off in the middle of making the dinner we're about to eat in five minutes.  Or half an hour just after our most recent meal.  Or when the kiddos just emptied their travel snack bag.  Deep breath in; out through the nose.  #eatmoreatthenextmeal

7.  "What's for dinner?" is one of DD's favorite questions, asked in the most nonchalant, sing-song-y, innocent, and simple way.  To which I usually answer through gritted teeth because it feels like I must run a marathon just to have that not-so-effortless answer.  The amount of work that takes place--the process from an abstract thought to concrete dishes on the table--in order for that meal to happen is monumental compared to that three-word question.  #YOUtellmewhatsfordinner

6.  "Five more minutes!"  Variations: "Later" and "I will."  These words always follow any of my announcements that begin with "It's time to..."   #ishouldusethatonetoo

5. "Are we there yet?"  Variation: "How much longer?"  Whether it's a 12-hour drive or a 12-minute ride.  Enough said.  #alwaysoncetoomany

4.  "Do I have to?"  Of course, whenever the kiddos are on the receiving end of a conversation, this is their most popular answer.  From my requests to pick up toys, do homework, or go to bed. #whatdidijustsay

3.  "Can I HEEELLLPPPPP?"  These seem to be such kind words, but they never show up when I'm scrubbing the toilet, doing the laundry, or mopping the floor.  Whenever the kiddos hear the Kitchenaid mixer whirl, they make a mad dash into the kitchen and expect to have a hand at my baking project.  #noidoNOTneedanyhelprightnow

2.  "Where's _____?"  Variation: "I can't find my _____" and "Have you seen my _____?"  Did you not hear the pronoun you used?  What was that?  "My?"  Yeah, yours.  DD can be reasonable and attempt to find her own things, but for DS, it's time for a lockdown.  I must drop what I'm doing and search for that Toy-of-the-Hour before all hell breaks loose.  A mere two hours later, said toy has already been abandoned and I just lost my precious 20 minutes searching high and low like a madwoman.  #youhavegottobekiddingme

1.  "I'm not tired."  Your classic example of narcolepsy.  Mommy Win.  #yesdearibelieveyou

Whenever one of these Kiddos Spiels vibrate through the air and enter my ears, I experience an intense internal struggle between Incredibly-Selfish Me and Ever-So-Patient Me.  They battle it out with a brutal tug-of-war.  Depending on time of day and circumstances, one contestant prevails.  I am only human.  And it can always be worse.  On the grand scheme of things, these Spiels represent the Colors in my Mommy Life.

So, Kiddos Spiels, you undoubtedly paint rainbows in my mundane days.  Since I know exactly when to anticipate each of you, I shall never be blindsided.  Until, of course, a whole new set of Spiels arrive in a few years and I have to reexamine the old and wrinkly back of my hand.  At which time I will surely miss my younger-looking hand, and all of you.

Sincerely,
Me

11 comments:

  1. I can relate to most of these - especially 8, 7 and 5. 5 is the worst...20 minutes into a car trip they start in. (And they wonder why parents get cranky :))

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    1. Haha, 8 and 7 because you have growing boys! I should have had one on general whining. My 5yo DS is an expert at that. Tell me they do grow out of it?!

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  2. I thought for a while there that you were writing about my house and my children. They came out of the same mold, don't you think?

    ~Imelda

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    1. I'm so glad that you can relate to this. Kids are kids, no? They have spiels at every age and stage. I'm not sure when I'd be ready for the next set...

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  3. I love your lists! Mine are both too little for most of these, but on our roadtrip this weekend my three year old managed an equally annoying version of #5: "We go to Reno?" asked once an hour at least, or more often if she was in trouble.
    My husband is definitely guilty of a couple of these as well!

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    1. Dare I say this is a list you get to look forward to when your kids get a few years under their belts? LOL on your husband's use of some of these. Quite frankly, my DH also says variations of these in his own ways, too! Thanks, Rachael!

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  4. Apparently you live in my house. You even have my cups ;) The I'm bored in my house is followed by a series of jobs until they are no longer bored but ohhhh the other ones. Yep, we have the same conversations here!

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    1. Haha, I'm glad you can relate, Michelle! We do have kids of similar ages, so that's very likely why. They do think alike, don't they? Tell me you do eye-rolls inside your head, too?

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  5. Since my lovely boys are 3 and 5, I hear 7, 8 and 9 the most. Hunger and thirst. They eat and drink every single hour and I don't know how Joey will make it through a full day at school without a million snacks!! The number ones are "He hit me" "He took my toy" and "He won't listen to me". I hear you about the patient mama and the selfish, wanna go to the beach and have a pina colada mama fighting internally. Well, here is the kicker, the minute I get to the beach, I would say to myself, I miss my boys.

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    1. Oh, Helen, I hear you. I guess your boys are closer in age so that fighting over toys is more common. And that's me, too. The moment I get a tiny bit of time to myself, I miss them. I'll always remember how you said that your kids terrorize you all day long, yet you'll be staring lovingly at their pictures once they're fast asleep. We mommies are so fickle.

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    2. Good news, they are getting a little better. They can play in the basement for a little while now while i'm up in the kitchen :)

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