Saturday, June 9, 2012
Dear Kiddo Spiels
Dear Kiddo Spiels,
You are the words that reverberate in the air around me. On a daily basis, I invariably get bombarded with your mantras, questions, and demands.
I tell the kiddos that I have eyes on the back of my head. They are often puzzled by that statement because, one, they don't see any eyes on the back of my head, and two, they really don't understand why I can finished their sentences with precision and know their every thought and move. Let's face it: I'm a mom. Moms know their kids like the back of their hands. Every hair, line, and vein on the back of my hand know my kids' spiels. And they go something like this... (the following are the Top Ten most often said quotes of my precious two.)
10. "I'm bored." Variation: "I have nothing to do." To which my reaction is a blatant eye roll, albeit inside my head. Puh-lease! I have so many things on my to-do list that those two words are no longer a part of my vocabulary. I seriously want to tell the kiddos that their very existence is what stole those foreign words from me. Wanna trade places with me? #youcandomychores
9. "I'm thirsty." And it's okay to be thirsty, but this one always comes at the most inopportune times. Like when we are in a public restroom. Um, really? Or during the one outing that I did not pack a water bottle or juice box. Mommy Fail. #thinkwetthoughts
8. If they're not thirsty, then what are they? "I'm hungry." Variation: "I'm starving," "I'm famished," and "I want a snack." Again, it's okay to be hungry, but it's not okay when I hear this as I am running around in the kitchen like a chicken with her head cut off in the middle of making the dinner we're about to eat in five minutes. Or half an hour just after our most recent meal. Or when the kiddos just emptied their travel snack bag. Deep breath in; out through the nose. #eatmoreatthenextmeal
7. "What's for dinner?" is one of DD's favorite questions, asked in the most nonchalant, sing-song-y, innocent, and simple way. To which I usually answer through gritted teeth because it feels like I must run a marathon just to have that not-so-effortless answer. The amount of work that takes place--the process from an abstract thought to concrete dishes on the table--in order for that meal to happen is monumental compared to that three-word question. #YOUtellmewhatsfordinner
6. "Five more minutes!" Variations: "Later" and "I will." These words always follow any of my announcements that begin with "It's time to..." #ishouldusethatonetoo
5. "Are we there yet?" Variation: "How much longer?" Whether it's a 12-hour drive or a 12-minute ride. Enough said. #alwaysoncetoomany
4. "Do I have to?" Of course, whenever the kiddos are on the receiving end of a conversation, this is their most popular answer. From my requests to pick up toys, do homework, or go to bed. #whatdidijustsay
3. "Can I HEEELLLPPPPP?" These seem to be such kind words, but they never show up when I'm scrubbing the toilet, doing the laundry, or mopping the floor. Whenever the kiddos hear the Kitchenaid mixer whirl, they make a mad dash into the kitchen and expect to have a hand at my baking project. #noidoNOTneedanyhelprightnow
2. "Where's _____?" Variation: "I can't find my _____" and "Have you seen my _____?" Did you not hear the pronoun you used? What was that? "My?" Yeah, yours. DD can be reasonable and attempt to find her own things, but for DS, it's time for a lockdown. I must drop what I'm doing and search for that Toy-of-the-Hour before all hell breaks loose. A mere two hours later, said toy has already been abandoned and I just lost my precious 20 minutes searching high and low like a madwoman. #youhavegottobekiddingme
1. "I'm not tired." Your classic example of narcolepsy. Mommy Win. #yesdearibelieveyou
Whenever one of these Kiddos Spiels vibrate through the air and enter my ears, I experience an intense internal struggle between Incredibly-Selfish Me and Ever-So-Patient Me. They battle it out with a brutal tug-of-war. Depending on time of day and circumstances, one contestant prevails. I am only human. And it can always be worse. On the grand scheme of things, these Spiels represent the Colors in my Mommy Life.
So, Kiddos Spiels, you undoubtedly paint rainbows in my mundane days. Since I know exactly when to anticipate each of you, I shall never be blindsided. Until, of course, a whole new set of Spiels arrive in a few years and I have to reexamine the old and wrinkly back of my hand. At which time I will surely miss my younger-looking hand, and all of you.