Saturday, August 18, 2012

Dear Blogging Seed

Dear Blogging Seed,

You were always there.  Deep within me, waiting for the best time to sprout and come to life in my world.  You were planted in April 2009 as this following piece was first written after a trip to Target.  Yes, a trip with a story that I just had to put into words and share with my mommy friends on Facebook.  So, from the vault, I dig you out to share again, here and now, unedited from original copy except for paragraph spacing.  You were titled 'Lost' in Mommyhood.  (Dear Son had just turned two at the time.)


There are things you mentally prepare yourself for before you become a mommy: the sleep deprivation, the messes that come with children, the occasional temper tantrums.  Then there are things that get lumped into the “I’ll-cross-that-bridge-when-I-get-to-it” group.  These are the things that make you curse whatever comes to your mind at the moment, but look back with a nostalgic “been-there-done-that” when talking to other moms or soon-to-be moms.

Today, we went shopping at Target despite the annoying rain.  Some things we needed couldn’t wait until the weekend (cat litter was one, and the stench made me go out).

DS was wearing his new Crocs that were pretty loose on him.  I kept an eye out for them the entire time we were at the store.  As he flung his feet around in the cart, I had to pick up a shoe here and there several times for him.

We braved the rain to the car, and as I proceeded to put DS in his car seat, I realized that one of the Crocs is missing.  I unloaded the cart, and there was no left shoe to be found. All I could think of was OMG.  What am I going to do with one shoe?  Of course I’d have to go back and look for the other one.  For one moment I thought about leaving DS in the car, as he was already strapped in, while I would run back and look down the check out aisle.

But then, of course, I knew better than that, so I take him back out, shoeless (I was not about to lose another shoe), and we go back to the store.  No shoe at the Customer Service desk, and no shoe at the check out aisle.  No shopping carts around me, either, so I fast walk with a 27 pound shoeless toddler in tow, back tracking the way I shopped the store.

Now, my mind is racing with the events of what happened just ten minutes ago as if you pressed the rewind button on the DVR.  It suddenly occurred to me that the shoe could have fallen under the car as I put DS in the car.   Of course, I was at the VERY back of the store when that thought entered my head.

Walking back to the front, at least I was met with very sympathetic looks from the lady behind the customer service desk as well as the check out clerk.  By the time we exited the store, the rain was coming down even harder, but I was drenched not with rain, but my own sweat.

I approached the car and there was a little blue clog sandal right behind the back wheel. I didn’t know if I wanted to cry or laugh.

This totally reminded me of the incident that happened a few months ago at Costco.  DS was very attached to a toy cell phone.  He took it to bed and everywhere we went.  I was so fearful of losing that phone that I went on ebay and bought the exact same one as it was already discontinued from the stores.

After shopping at Costco, I loaded the car and put DS in his car seat, and I realized that his phone was nowhere to be found.  I know I gave it to him as I unbuckled him to get him out of the car.  Then I had no recollection of the phone, which is very unlike me; I am usually very good at keeping track of these things.  I was furious that I would have to actually use the ‘backup’ just two days after possessing it.

In a panic, I take DS back to the store, put him in a shopping cart, and begin to walk through the entire store to look for that darn phone.  Costco is, after all, a warehouse, and it took a good 10 minutes to even walk through the entire place, all the while thinking I’m going to get home late and miss Dear Daughter’s school bus and how she’s going to panic that no one is home.

Nearing the exit, I was about to give up and whip out the new phone for him, and then I realized that I went to the customer service counter first to make a return.   There, he was playing with the credit card swiper thingy, because he can’t see one without pushing the buttons on it at least once.   Sure enough, the phone was sitting right next to the swiper thingy.

A huge sigh of relief exited my chest, and the world is all good again.  DS had his phone, and we can go home.  I told myself that those 15 minutes of panic and running around the store like I was a chicken with its head cut off could take the place of my workout that day.

Even just a few hours later now, I can look back on these incidents and just smile about it, but at the time, I swear that in my mind I cursed everything I could between moments of panic and searching.  But really, I was cursing at myself.  At how I could be so careless about these things that ultimately would just make my own life miserable.  These things that you try so hard to be careful about just creep up on you and make a rainy day even worse.  But in the end, I didn’t flush $25 down the toilet because I lost a shoe.  The world is good again, and we can go home.

I’m telling myself that there will be many more incidents of these ‘lost’ episodes in the years to come.  And I will cross those bridges when I get to them, again.  DS is now pretty much over the toy phone, and has moved on to a mini tin Nemo lunch box that I bought from the clearance section of Party City for his birthday party.  He goes everywhere with it. And I am very much resisting the temptation of visiting ebay in search of a mini tin Nemo lunch box...


That was a piece of writing that came from a deep frustration that I needed to put into words and share with people that could relate to it.  That was the writing that started it all.  Even though this seed took over two years to germinate, it eventually sprouted and you are looking at the product right now.  The product is my voice, using words, telling stories.  It is my outlet, a campfire around which people gather to commune and share.  It is my coveted space.

Writing has always been a part of my life.  I wrote song lyrics in my native language when I was young.  I wrote throughout school, in and out of classes, from high school through graduate school.  I want to unearth some other old pieces by digging deep into the vault.  And if I ever locate any of it in that dusty, unfinished basement of ours, I may even be able to share the roots of this growth here.

So, Dear Blogging Seed, you were the impetus that started this blog.  Even though I can tell that your style is somewhat choppy and unpolished, you were still the blueprint of my voice, the drive behind my writing and sharing, and the desire to connect with others .  It is incredibly humbling to revisit you; you really bring back memories of early mommyhood, and reveal my measurable improvement in the practice of writing.  Yes, I can look back and laugh about the stories now, but your presence is what allows me to do so.  These sorts of memories are what I hope to reread and relive years down the line, from these posts, on this blog.



  1. I can barely sit still in this chair.

    I love this so much.

    I love choppy. I love unedited. I love from the heart. I love from frustration. I love from desperation.

    The greatest of things are born from frustration and I love this so much. It was so nice to see a 'different' you here...

    Will you be serving up seconds? :-)

    1. I really hope to! There are so many things I wrote from years back that I was really proud of, and DH says he knows where they are in the basement. At first, I was going to use 'older pieces' to publish here in case I didn't have time to write new posts. BUT, rereading what I wrote years back really brought back lots of memories and sentiments that are so dear to me. So it became more than just re-publishing old writing, know what I mean?

      Funny you say you love my unedited. It took so much for me to leave this piece the way it was (except paragraph spacing, because I wrote the entire thing in 4 paragraphs--huge blocks of words that no one would probably read. I finally adapted to 'blogging writing', as one might say.) I so wanted to rewrite parts and explain parts and take out parts. But I didn't. It means something, I guess.

      So how about it? You find some old writing and share it. I know you have them; I know you wrote all your life, too. Even as scribbles on the side margins of a notebook. Let's serve up some retro-beauties on our current blogs sometime, what do you say? =)

      Thanks, Kim. Thanks so much for your encouragement and support. I really mean that.

  2. I remember times like that. For me, it was the kids losing a library book, and us having to search the house 100 times over to find it. I swore I would never let them check anything out from the library ever again, but of course, we've been back a million times since. :)

    1. Yes! Don't even get me started on library books. Out of the 25 to 30 we check out, there's only ever ONE missing. And out of the four people in this house, I am the only one to EVER find it. ;)

  3. I love your writing! Since it is such a big part of you and has been for quite awhile, I hope you never stop. I'm glad I've "met" you and know can read a 'good read' in your work.

    As for the missing shoe story, I couldn't help but laugh. I apologize that it was at the expense of your agony at the time, but that's what makes this blog (and your other writings) so great. Like you said, you can revisit them always and laugh and cry about these wonderful mommy moments always :) Great Post!

    1. Thank you so much Cassie! You can laugh all you want now, since I'm laughing with you, too. I'm actually so glad that it made you laugh, because it really was meant to. :)

      You know what? Kids' lovelies should all have a tracking device. That would save parents so much hassle. And if ever, down the line, you experience this madness? Please think of me and the fact that I know just exactly how you feel!

  4. I enjoy your posts, so I'm glad you're watering the blogging seed :) I can relate to the lost things - we have them all the time. I've learned to remove the worry from it, though...since my youngest is six, and both old enough to keep track of their own things, I tell them, "it's your responsibility to keep track of it. If you lose it, there's nothing I can do about it." It sounds harsh, but they have a choice then if they want to leave the object at home or bring it, and I don't have to stress because they lost their favorite whatever-it-is-that-day.

    The tough part is, my older son is saving money to get an iPod Touch. I think it's a bad (no, terrible) idea to take the thing to school, but "everyone else gets to bring theirs." I'm struggling because I'm jaded from my own school experiences with stolen items, but he's spending his money, so it should be his decision. It's just such an expensive mistake, but it's one he may just have to make.

    Sorry, you didn't ask for my life story here, but the lost things post just resonated with me :)

    1. I love your comments, long or short! I recently thanked friends on social media about having such great discussions on my blog comments! Thank you, too!

      My kids are now also getting older and less likely to lose things like those particular episodes, thank goodness for me. But I'm still not sure it's all over and done with yet! I totally agree with you about the iTouch going to school--it would be such an expensive mistake. But, you're right. It's his decision, and he may even learn about responsibility and taking care of his valuable possessions and surprise you! Good luck, and I hope he never has to find out the hard way, for your sake and his!

  5. Awww, I love this seed. I can so feel for you there. You know my first post was born of frustration, too ;) It just HAD to be written.

    And now... now the frustrations are different - and even for you with both kids in the same school, even if not for the whole day. Yet.

    PS You forgot to change out one name halfway through :)

    1. I'm gonna have to go find *your* first post now! Yes, now the frustrations are different, and I suspect they will continue to change until I can't take them anymore or until I become a grandma. Which ever comes first. =)

      And that name change? You caught the third one. OMGoodness. I think I'm either going blind or getting senile. (Should have just used the control+F in the first place, darn it!). Thanks for catching the last one, Michelle. I want to kick myself.

  6. Amazing how these two relatively short events are so deeply embedded in your mind! Tks for sharing! It may seem silly to go look for a shoe, but $25 isn't chump change for Crocs. I say I wouldn't freak out about lost toys, but I would since J is so attached to Thomas. But then again, he has death grip on this toys. I know though, one day, he's going to put it down in a store and leave and I will have NO idea where it is. Oh, parenthood.

    Thanks for sharing your words on your blog. They are beautiful to read!

    1. Oh parenthood is right! It's actually a good thing you haven't had to go on one of these 'treasure hunts', but just brace yourself. I also had scares with my DD (once also in a Costco). I hope J's death grips stick around, cuz that'll save you a lot of trouble, tears, and sweat! Thank you so much for reading, Lisa!