Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Dear Wordless


Dear Wordless,

You have rendered me entirely tongue-tied.  For as long as I have rambled here, I have finally run out of things to say.  Temporarily, hopefully.

I am tired.  My mind does not focus, my words do not flow, and my thoughts are broken like tortilla chips at the bottom of its package.

September is a month of settling into new schedules, reorienting oneself with The Way Things Work, and getting used to the pace of a different song.

While our senses are getting ready for seasonal changes, the heat lingers and challenges our expectations.  Rain storms sweep by and douse us with suffocating moisture in the air, whose menacing sounds add to the inexplicable drone of muffled words inside my head.

I stare into the harsh monitor light, waiting for words to appear from the motion of my fingertips.  I force my eyelids to stay apart and not drift into the mad oblivion of the verge of sleep, where my metronome warps into uneven rhythm, causing unsolicited panic until my eyes jolt open and I determine that time is still linear.  

I am tired.  The night is young, but I feel old. 

I begin, hesitate, backspace, and re-process.  I visit all the tabs on my browser to seek inspiration, only to come back and blink at my own reflection, questioning my words against the astounding talent of the blogosphere.  My thoughts pop like fingertips on bubbles, vanishing.

I search for a comfortable tempo to move forward again. 

I find my song at its introduction--a slower, less rhythmic progression.  I am waiting for the music to begin, for the melody to sound, and most of all, for the refrain to set the beat of this song.  I yearn for that predictable cadence of days and nights untainted by the unknown.

Moreover, I desperately await to hear the lyrics of my song--words that will gush from a geyser when the time is right; words that rescue me from my state of abstraction, of incompleteness.

I am tired.  This loud muteness deafens me.  This resounding silence startles me.  This murky stillness shakes me.

This gap between Summer and Fall, Chaos and Rhythm, and Unknown and Certainty is stifling. 

I am, simply, out of words.

Sincerely,
Me

14 comments:

  1. Well, these words sure sounded beautiful. Hope you get your mojo back soon. I've been feeling the same... hence my one week disappearance.

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    1. Thank you, Susi. I was feeling pretty desperate about not being able to write. I finally just gave up and wrote about not being able to write. :) I do hope we both get back into the swing of things soon, since it's so weird to not have anything to say! Well, I hope your kids had a great start to school!

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  2. Oh, I've been here often, Sandra. Sometimes, our minds just need take in wordless silence.

    The thing is, once I start to stress over not writing, the block becomes even worse. If I just give it a day or two and look at the world differently, something usually shakes loose. (It helps that my blog is a mish-mash of random stuff so I don't have a format to keep :))

    I have absolutely no doubt that the kiddos will come home from school one day and say something that sparks a blog idea, or you'll see a photo that jogs a memory, or that inspiration will strike while you carry on your daily tasks.

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    1. Thank you for understanding, Janna! It may be my own fault for trying to stick to my own goal of two posts per week (which, most of the time, is realistic and doable). I have some ideas, but none of them 'brewed' long enough yet, you know what I mean? Maybe it just takes me a while to write; most writers/bloggers seem to be able to write a piece in no time, while it takes me forever. I do hope this passes soon, because the stress of it--like you said--makes it even worse!! Thanks for your encouragement!

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  3. It's so hard when this happens. But maybe this wonderfully written piece will help jump start you out of it?

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    1. Thank you for stopping by, Missy! I just thought since I couldn't think of anything to write, why not write about exactly how I feel 'right this moment'? I hope you're right: I do need a jump start! I really appreciate your kind words!

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  4. Step away for a while and give yourself a little break. When you come back, you'll have a new perspective. Good luck!

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    1. Thank you, Asianmommy! I guess I was in the just-write-anyway train of thought in fear of going rusty. But I hope to have some new inspiration soon. Thank you for your continued support and readership--I appreciate it more than you know!

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  5. I think writing about the feeling you have when you think you have nothing to write about, will bring inspiration for new thoughts and writings :) I have no doubt you'll be back on the ball in no time! Plus...if you ever get in *that bad* of a funk...you can always write about your young friend out here in PA :) haha!!

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    1. I *will* keep that thought in mind, Cassie, my Young Friend! I hope I'm brewing up something for the next post, because until I finish it, I can't prepare for the first day of Chinese School, AAAAHHHHHHH!

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  6. Oh... I was that not too long ago. Nothing ever inspired me - to write, to photograph. But after some concerns and deadlines where met and I got a good night's est, I felt like new. Your muse will come back - she also needs a break some time. :-)

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  7. Completely normal, to be wordless. I'm going through a funk these days too. Must be post-vacation cooldown or something. I mean, I have stuff to write. Pictures to show. But just no motivation to write them. You'll be back soon. Don't be discouraged. Don't feel pressure to post just for the sake of posting.

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    1. Haha, I had all the motivation in the world, but my brain was completely empty. And now, my muse is back, but I have absolutely no time to write. This will be the first time in over a year that I did not post twice a week (it was a good rhythm and I kept it going!). But between volunteering at the school carnival, a very special concert, and teaching Chinese school, all during this weekend, I am completely spent. And I'm okay with that, because I'm totally out of juice.

      I hope your motivation comes back soon so we'll get to see all your wonderful pictures!

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  8. If this post is about the transition to harsh routine from lazy summer and feeling like a spaghetti brain, then ... "DITTO"

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