Wednesday, September 5, 2012
You have rendered me entirely tongue-tied. For as long as I have rambled here, I have finally run out of things to say. Temporarily, hopefully.
I am tired. My mind does not focus, my words do not flow, and my thoughts are broken like tortilla chips at the bottom of its package.
September is a month of settling into new schedules, reorienting oneself with The Way Things Work, and getting used to the pace of a different song.
While our senses are getting ready for seasonal changes, the heat lingers and challenges our expectations. Rain storms sweep by and douse us with suffocating moisture in the air, whose menacing sounds add to the inexplicable drone of muffled words inside my head.
I stare into the harsh monitor light, waiting for words to appear from the motion of my fingertips. I force my eyelids to stay apart and not drift into the mad oblivion of the verge of sleep, where my metronome warps into uneven rhythm, causing unsolicited panic until my eyes jolt open and I determine that time is still linear.
I am tired. The night is young, but I feel old.
I begin, hesitate, backspace, and re-process. I visit all the tabs on my browser to seek inspiration, only to come back and blink at my own reflection, questioning my words against the astounding talent of the blogosphere. My thoughts pop like fingertips on bubbles, vanishing.
I search for a comfortable tempo to move forward again.
I find my song at its introduction--a slower, less rhythmic progression. I am waiting for the music to begin, for the melody to sound, and most of all, for the refrain to set the beat of this song. I yearn for that predictable cadence of days and nights untainted by the unknown.
Moreover, I desperately await to hear the lyrics of my song--words that will gush from a geyser when the time is right; words that rescue me from my state of abstraction, of incompleteness.
I am tired. This loud muteness deafens me. This resounding silence startles me. This murky stillness shakes me.
This gap between Summer and Fall, Chaos and Rhythm, and Unknown and Certainty is stifling.
I am, simply, out of words.